Shopping With Mom, Involuntarily
by NOT 80K Hikigaya
Summary: Masato is stuck at the mall with his Mom. Takes place before the beginning of the series. [One-Shot]


This story takes place before the events of the anime/manga/light novel.

* * *

I checked my watch. According to the display, it was now 4:12pm.

Mom and I had arrived at the mall at 9:00am sharp.

Doing some quick mental math, that meant we had already spent over seven excruciating hours in this man-made hell for guys. It wasn't just a matter of feeling physically drained, but also the mind-numbing never-ending jaunt from store to store had already gotten to me long ago, probably somewhere after we had stopped for a late lunch.

Mom, on the other hand, was just as energetic as she was back when the mall opened its doors this morning. Clearly, her infinite energy reserves were the result of winning a genetic lottery that didn't get passed down to me.

What was I doing at the mall on a weekend with my Mom, you ask?

According to her, 'spending quality mother-son time together'.

Now, don't get me wrong, strengthening family bonds is certainly very important to me. I'm not so heartless as to immediately reject the suggestion out of hand. Actually, it would be more accurate to say I _couldn't_ reject Mom's proposal.

…OK, I didn't mean it that way. She's still a happily married woman to my very-much-alive father, thank you very much. And therein lay the first issue: my father had been traveling overseas for business more and more frequently, leaving Mom and me to take care of the house during his absence. Perhaps all of her attention that would have normally been directed towards him was instead redirected at me, her son?

The second issue was that I did not have any prior plans for the weekend. Before you jump to conclusions and label me a loner, I need to stress that I do have several friends, all male, but they all just happened to have made plans themselves, leaving me without any peers to hang out with, temporarily.

"But you're in the prime of your youth! Shouldn't you be spending time trying to woo a girl?"

Were it that simple, but once again, Mom rears her absolutely-not-in-any-way-ugly head.

Back in middle school, I once brought a female classmate over for a school project. Admittedly, I had a small crush on her, but I never confirmed whether or not it was mutual. However, upon meeting Mom, my classmate/crush was interrogated mercilessly to the point of tears.

Apparently, Mom had taken it upon herself to judge whether any girl was the 'right one' for me, much to my chagrin. I understood that Mom meant well, being able to impartially view my relationships without being blinded by teenage love-at-first-sight syndrome, but her biases as a mother likely led her to create near-impossible standards for any girl to live up to.

Needless to say, my classmate never came over to my house again. Every time I tried to speak to her in class after that, she would hurriedly excuse herself, as if Mom was literally standing behind me, even at school. Come on, as overprotective as mothers can be, my Mom wasn't nearly _that_ insecure and overbearing that she would accompany me everywhere I went!

Could you even imagine how embarrassing that would be for me? I would be forever known as a momma's boy!

I silently prayed that my future wife would have the mental fortitude to not be intimidated by her Mother-in-law, else it would be a short marriage.

If girls were terrified of Mom, then guys who came over were just the opposite. Without fail, every single guy friend I ever invited over unfailingly spent more time 'observing' Mom than hanging out with me. You know, as friends usually do. Most of them simply stuck to making benign comments, such as, "Dude, your Mom is super hot!" or "Your dad's a lucky man."

There were, unfortunately, some less than savory comments, such as, "What a MILF! I'd tap that!" Coincidentally, that was the first time I ever heard the term 'MILF', and when my friend explained what it stood for, I made a mental note to never invite him back again. I get it; teenage hormones are uncontrollable, but that is still my Mom they're lusting after, right in front of me!

I sighed. It's like all my male friends become possessed by the spirit of Kakyoin upon seeing Mom. [**1**] It didn't help that the same genetic lottery gave her a far more youthful appearance that belied her true age. I've lost count of how many times someone has mistaken her for my sister, cousin, or, on at least one occasion, my girlfriend.

The irony of that last one was a little bit unsettling. If my life was a creepy psychological manga, I would eventually find out that my Mom was intentionally sabotaging my love life, all so that I would be bound to her forever, using the Freudian excuse that, "All sons want to marry their mother." [**2**]

…I'm _fairly sure_ I never spouted any such nonsense in my younger days.

Snapping myself back to reality, I noticed Mom staring at me, as if she were expecting me to say something. I was so lost in my thoughts earlier that I hadn't been paying any attention to a possible conversation.

"Sorry, Mom. I kind of zoned out for a moment."

"Geez, Ma-kun. You should pay attention when Mommy is talking to you." She pouted childishly, increasing the sugar concentration in the surrounding area by several magnitudes. It was actually sort of adorable, but I'd never say that out loud about my own mother. "I was asking you if there was anything else you wanted to shop for while we were here at the mall."

I glanced at the multitude of shopping bags in both of my hands; if I added any more items, my arms would probably fall off from exhaustion. To be fair, it wasn't like Mom was empty-handed herself; she was actually carrying more than I was, but again, her superior genetics, which I somehow did not inherit, made it a non-issue for Mom.

I mentally cursed my father's genes for overwriting Mom's.

Thinking about her question for a while longer, I came up with three answers:

1) The newest installment in the Stoneboy videogame series; [**4]**

2) The latest volume of the I'm a High School Boy and a Successful Light Novel Author, But I'm Being Strangled by a Female Classmate Who's a Voice Actress and is Younger Than Me light novel series; [**5**]

3) A new pair of swim trunks, after my last pair mysteriously disappeared. I've heard of washing machines eating socks, but never swimwear.

Going into a videogame store was out of the question, as the mere presence of Mom would probably cause mass hyperventilation and possibly even fainting amongst the non-riajuu patrons, unused to being in the same vicinity as a woman. I would have to come back on my own at a later time to pick up the game. Hopefully I could avoid final boss spoilers in the meantime.

Going into a bookstore posed less of a concern on the Mom-as-trigger front, but I wasn't exactly keen on letting her find out that I was a fan of a questionably-titled piece of literature. Worst case, I would be mistaken for a deviant with asphyxiation fetishes. As with the game, I would have to visit the bookstore at a future date, though that would risk being unable to secure a copy of the latest volume, as it was unusually popular. It would be a lesser risk than the aforementioned deviant-labelling, though.

The last item on the list didn't come attached with any particular worries. It wasn't like I planned on trying it on and then asking for Mom's opinion. Besides, she would probably be her usual motherly self and say that I look good in just about anything. I could always count on biased loved ones to give me an honest opinion, right?

Finally verbalizing an answer, I said, "Actually, Mom, I'd like to get a new pair of swim trunks. It shouldn't take very long, so we should be able to make it home in time to prepare dinner."

"Do you have a particular store in mind, Ma-kun?"

I nodded in affirmation. Like a military general going into battle, I had scouted out the most efficient store layouts in the mall in order to get in and get out as quickly as possible.

A few minutes of walking later, we had arrived at our destination: a middle-of-the-road, not-too-shabby but not-too-trendy clothing store. I led Mom to a seating area, before briskly making my way to the swimwear section, picking out several designs. Of course, I also took a peek inside first before trying them on, just to make sure there were no disgustingly obvious signs of nasty growths left behind by previous less hygienic customers.

Eventually deciding on a pair with a simple black design and a dragon/tiger motif on opposite pant legs, I changed back and came out of the fitting stall, ready to make my purchase and finally be on our way home.

Looking around, I didn't see any trace of Mom. Her bags were still by the seats, indicating she probably hadn't wandered far off.

"Ma-kun!" Her voice called out to me from across the store, causing me slight embarrassment.

Looking around for the source, I realized to my horror that Mom was in the swimwear section that I had previously visited. This would tack on another half hour, minimum. Why do women have to try on so many options every time? Is it ingrained in their very DNA?

Resigning myself to the inevitable fate of all men accompanying women to clothing stores, I took a seat and placed my bags next to Mom's, resting my tired legs.

"Just let me know when you're done, Mom. I'll be waiting over here with our stuff."

She blinked. "What are you talking about, Ma-kun? Mommy needs your opinions on how these look on me. How are you going to do that if you stay all the way over there?"

Ignoring the hushed whispers and murmurs from the onlookers, I tried to reason my way out. "I can't just leave all the bags here. What if someone tries to steal them when both of us aren't looking?"

Just then, a store employee came up to me. Purple eyes, long purple hair, nametag: **SHIRASE**.

"Dear customer," she began to address me, "just to let you know, we can keep your things behind the counter until you are ready to check out. It also helps cut down on potential shoplifting attempts." She chuckled to herself, though the sentiment was not shared. [**6**]

Ignoring the pun, I took her up on the offer, having been blindsided and robbed of a convenient excuse. Hoping to get this over with, I walked over to Mom and waited for her to finish picking out all of the swimsuits she wanted to try on. Glancing around occasionally, I was relieved to not see any of my classmates nearby. I didn't want them to ogle my Mom under normal circumstances, so there was no way I was going to let them anywhere near her in a swimsuit!

God damnit, I am NOT a jealous momma's boy! She's just sort of lacking awareness of the effects she has on the male population, to put it lightly.

A few more minutes passed before she turned to me. "Ma-kun, are you ready?" What? You're the one trying them on, Mom. What on Earth could I possibly need to prepare myself for?

"Wait, hold on. Let me clarify something first, Mom."

"What is it, Ma-kun?" she sweetly asked. As if she ever used any other tone with me.

"These swimsuits you're trying on…are you planning on wearing them out in public?"

"Obviously! Did you think I would wear them while cooking or cleaning? You're so silly, Ma-kun!" If I wasn't related to her, I might have immediately developed a new fetish.

_Move over, naked apron! Now is the era of swimsuit + apron!_

But I am not a degenerate who fantasizes such things about his own mother. Gesturing to the stacked up articles on Mom's arms, I told her, "If that's the case, can I offer my opinion on some of these before you try them on?"

Mom looked confused; after all, what hot-blooded adolescent male wouldn't want to spend more time gazing at a bikini-clad beauty without the risk of being called creepy?

Answer: a very uncomfortable son, that's who.

"I guess that's fine," she responded, handing me the nearly dozen handpicked articles. I started rifling through them, discarding the extremely risqué and barely-there designs. All the while, Mom gave me disappointed looks whenever I did so, but this really was for her own sake as well as my sanity. How was I going to enjoy my time at the beach or the public pool if guys were coming up to Mom and hitting on her the whole time?

Although from past experiences, I might have been worrying a bit too much. She would, without fail, reject their thinly-veiled advances, but not with the expected "I'm married already" line. For some reason, her go-to response was "I have a son named Ma-kun."

Sure, the two responses served similar purposes, but it always struck me as odd that chose to portray herself as a mother with children instead of a married woman. Single mothers were less definitively off-limits compared to married women, after all.

Settling on a half-dozen son-approved choices, I handed them back to Mom. "There, you have my opinions already. Just try them on and see if you like them, Mom. I'll be waiting outside."

"Ma-kun, didn't Mommy already say she wants your opinion on how they look on me?" She pouted again, no less adorable than last time.

"Look, it's precisely because you're my Mom. I know Dad's not here today to give his opinion, but it's really awkward for me." I hoped my explanation would convince Mom, but my track record wasn't reassuring.

"And why would it be awkward for Ma-kun?" Mom tilted her head, not getting my subtle hints.

As with nearly everything she did, the gesture also looked adorable, which is just blatantly unfair. If I wasn't her son, I don't think I would be able to resist any request she made of me. But at this rate, we were never getting out of here. It was time for me to reach a compromise.

"Never mind, I'll give you my thoughts on them after all." She beamed. "However, we are going to the stalls in the back, away from prying eyes, OK?" At least this could minimize the attention Mom would undoubtedly draw to herself.

"Mommy doesn't really get it, but if that's what Ma-kun wants, then I'm fine with it!" Like I said, she was sometimes too naïve for her own good.

* * *

**A Few Awkward Minutes Later…**

Mom came out of the fitting stalls, having decided on two outfits, which were thankfully not of the nosebleed-inducing variety. We made our way to the cashier, paying for our things and retrieving the bags that had been left there earlier.

Finally, it was over. We could head home, I would help Mom prepare dinner and clean up afterwards, then I could kick back and play that new MMORPG that just came our recently!

Or so I thought.

"Ara ara?" Whenever Mom uttered that phrase, something was definitely wrong. "I don't have enough money to pay for these." _Maybe because we (read: Mom) already spent quite a bit today, as evidenced by our massive haul._ "Ma-kun, what should I do?" Mom was having a mini panic attack. Which would have probably been the cutest panic attack in history.

Not that I would ever tell her that, in addition to the millions of other things Mom would never hear me say about her.

"We'll just have to give up on buying them today, I guess. It's not the end of the world; we can always come back another time." Even though I didn't want to do this again, it really hadn't been a bad experience, all things considered.

Mom clapped her hands in joy. "Then let's return tomorrow! Don't want to risk someone else snatching them up before us, right?" _Tomorrow? Are you serious, Mom?_ "Now, let's go home and get a good night's rest, Ma-kun! We have another long day of shopping ahead of us tomorrow!"

Internally, I screamed as I realized my dual weekends were going to be spent entirely at the shopping mall with my Mom.

* * *

**END**

**Author's Notes:**

[**1**] Yes, this is a Jojo's Bizarre Adventure reference. Noriaki Kayoin has reached meme status as the OG 'MILF hunter', after briefly praising Holly Kujo, the mother of protagonist Jotaro Kujo. Despite not being from the same universe, Kakyoin will invariably pop up in any comment section wherever a MILF is to be found, and this series (Do You Love Your Mom (truncated)?) is no exception.

[**2**] While I was writing this story, I briefly looked up an original story featuring a yandere mother doing just that. It was very short and super edgy as expected. I doubt Canon!Mamako will ever reach those levels. Fanfic!Mamako, on the other hand… [**3**]

[**3**] No, I will not be writing a Yandere!Mamako story. Besides, Medhi would fit the role better.

[**4**] Parody of Rockman/Megaman, a very popular video game series. If you've never heard of it, what, have you been living under a rock, man?

[**5**] This is actually a real light novel title. I am not making this up. WTF, Japan.

[**6**] Shirase Masumi (白瀬 真澄) often makes puns on 'oshirase' (お知 ら せ), which means 'notice' or 'to inform'.

As far as I know, as of 2019, there has been no official word on Mamako's husband (aka Masato's father), so whether he's dead or alive, overseas/divorced/separated/missing, human/zombie/AI/etc. etc. is all completely unknown. If he really were deceased in canon, neither Mamako nor Masato seem to spend any time reminiscing on it.

I didn't feel like describing the Mamako swimsuit section, since it would be very similar to the anime/manga scene within the MMMMMORPG, but you can use your IMAGINATION and picture a less lewd version of that scene. Or just google 'Mamako swimsuit' or 'Mamako bikini' for tons of art, both official and fanmade, to get an idea of what she might wear.


End file.
